


M is for Meredith

by theimpossiblegirl39



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author is not a scientist, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post Episode: s02e06 Trinity, mschep pre-slash if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-09 19:19:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10419450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theimpossiblegirl39/pseuds/theimpossiblegirl39
Summary: See, Rodney McKay was good at many things. However, Rodney was not good at people. Maybe it was best if he didn’t have any friends at all. At least then there would be no one to disappoint.





	1. Chapter 1

 

_1977_

 

“Mom, why does no one like me?”

Mrs. McKay looked down at her nine-year-old son with a look of surprise.  She had never heard her little genius sound so vulnerable before. Granted, he was usually terrible at making friends, always had been, but he was so confident in almost everything he did. Unfortunately, that was part of the problem. He was a handful, but she still loved him.

“Sweetheart, you know I like you. And so does Dad.”

“Yeah, but you’re my parents. You’re supposed to like me. No one at school likes me. Not even my teachers.” 

Mrs. McKay sighed. “Sweetie, you know you’re very different from the other children. Your intelligence makes it hard for your classmates to connect with you. You’re so special, that even your teachers don’t know how to handle you.”

“So because I’m smart, I’ll never have friends?”

“Of course not. You will have friends one day. How could you not? You’re sweet, charming, caring, and very generous when you want to be. I know it’s hard not to show off how smart you are, but if you really want people to want to spend time with you, you’ll learn how to speak with them at their level.”

“But what if they don’t like it when I say smart things?”

“Meredith, I promise you, one day you will find someone just as special as you are who likes you regardless of your little quirks. You know I’m always right.”

“I guess so."

“Good. Now why don’t we go make dinner so it’s ready for when your father gets home?”

Meredith Rodney McKay had believed his mother when he was nine. But as he grew up, and became more and more isolated from people, he realized that perhaps his mother was mistaken. Perhaps he was destined to never have any real friends at all.

 

_2005_

 

Rodney glanced around the lab, a puzzled expression on his face. It was quiet. Too quiet, especially for a Wednesday afternoon. Usually the scientists were constantly chattering and puttering around, stopping to ask questions of the exasperated Dr. McKay or the kinder Dr. Zelenka, but today there was a heavy silence that filled the room. It was as if they were afraid to speak. And Rodney was afraid he knew what they really wanted to say.

Just yesterday, he had destroyed five sixths of a solar system. Apparently, that made him the scum of the earth. Sure, blame the scientist who just wanted to find a way to protect his city and his colleagues from potential threats, i.e. the Wraith. Yes, he screwed up. Yes, he almost killed himself and John. Yes, he acted like an ass to Zelenka and pretty much reduced him to nothing more than a crackpot. But he was trying to make amends for his misgivings, something Rodney rarely did. But he considered these people his, dare he say it, friends. And he figured that if he wanted to keep them he ought to try the whole apology thing. What he didn’t understand is why the whole base thought he was some kind of out of control crazy person. He’d heard the rumors, and it bothered him. They were saying he killed Collins, that he had no remorse for his actions. Until that point, Rodney had no idea people thought so low of him, that he would just callously throw a man’s life away in the name of research. In fact, Collins death is what spurred him on to try and get the Arcturus Project working. So that his sacrifice would mean something. So that all of the lives that had been lost up until that point would mean something. He would be able to protect Atlantis because of their bravery. People like Grodin, who he couldn’t save. The gossip mongers were wrong, so very wrong. He felt responsible for all of them.

When Zelenka finally showed up, he was almost an hour late. Normally, Rodney would have made a big deal of this, but he figured it would be counterproductive. He only hoped his apology to Radek would go better than his apology to Elizabeth earlier that morning. She had all but thrown him out of her office, telling him that she didn’t have time to speak with him and that perhaps he could email her later with whatever concerns he may have. Clearly she did not want to talk about it. On his way out, he’d bumped into Sheppard, who’d given him a curt nod, not even a “Hey Rodney”, and stepped into Elizabeth’s office. He’d stood in the control room for a few moments, watching how they laughed at something Sheppard must have said. Days ago, he would have been let in on the joke. But today, he realized he lost that privilege, just as he’d lost their trust.

As Radek made to sit at the work table next to him, Rodney got up and took a few steps closer. Radek didn’t even look up from the computer as Rodney began to ramble what was one of the sincerest apologies he’d ever given.

“Radek, I had no right to speak to you the way that I did. I may be in charge and the smartest man here, but you’re smart too and important and I appreciate the insight you have to give to our projects. I let my ambition get in the way of me yesterday and I regret that. I hope you can understand.”

Radek still didn’t look up.

“Radek?”

No acknowledgement whatsoever.

Rodney sighed. He figured that this was actually better than Elizabeth, that at least it was clear that Zelenka was still mad and hadn’t decided to just move on with his life without Rodney. It still stung though.

He decided he’d go see what Carson was up to. At least he wasn’t mad at Rodney. Leaving the lab, he paused just outside the door as it shut, and listened as the room of scientists lit up behind him in chatter, discussing Dr. McKay’s Most Recent Failure. Zelenka did not speak a word. He clenched his fists. He thought that Radek and Elizabeth and John were his friends. Weren’t friends supposed to stick up for one another? Weren’t they supposed to speak to you, no matter how upset, accept your apologies, just say hi when you bump into each other? But maybe Rodney had judged the situation wrong. Again.

 

_1979_

 

“Hey, you’re Rodney right?”

Rodney looked up to see the girl staring down at him on the swing.  He had gone to the park near by his house to escape Jeannie’s most recent temper tantrum. She had just reached her “terrible twos” and it was seriously getting on his nerves. He hated the park, as he had no one to play with, but the swings were something he could manage to do on his own without looking out of place. But now, this little girl, about his age, had come over to talk to him. He was confused.

“Um, yes.”

“I’m Danielle.”

“Uh, nice to meet you?" 

Danielle flicked her long brown hair behind her shoulder. “You looked like you were lonely. I wanted to know if you wanted to play.”

Rodney couldn’t believe it. Someone was actually asking him if he wanted to _play_. _With them._ It was a flipping miracle. She went on to ask if she wanted to play tag, which he personally thought was a frivolous game for small children to fall over and skin their knees and therefore have an excuse for screaming and demanding ice cream. He was about to tell her so, but he stopped himself, the voice in his head telling him “be nice, you make more friends that way”. The voice sounded suspiciously like his mother.

“Sure.” 

He and Danielle played tag for about forty minutes. And Rodney wouldn’t admit it, but it was really kind of fun. He had never found merit in running and sweating and getting dirty, but now he could almost see the appeal. Danielle was full of questions too, which delighted Rodney to no end. He could show off his brilliance without having to look for an appropriate opportunity to do so.

“Why can’t we fly like birds?”

“Because a bird can fly because its wingspan and the wing muscle strength are in balance with its body size. It has a lightweight skeleton with hollow bones, which puts a smaller load on its wings. We don’t have wings at all.”

“What is a star really?”

“Stars are made of very hot gas. This gas is mostly hydrogen and helium, which are the two lightest elements. Stars shine by burning hydrogen into helium in their cores, and later in their lives create heavier elements.”

“What does the “M” in your name stand for?”

“Um…”

“Oh come on, I wanna know. It can’t be that bad.”

“It’s bad.”

“Please?”

“The “M” is for Meredith.”

Danielle broke out laughing, and not for the first time, Rodney silently cursed his parents and their naming skills.

“That’s a girl’s name.”

“I don’t know what my parents were thinking.”

“It’s okay. At least Rodney is a boy’s name.”

“True.”

The sun was setting, and both Danielle and Rodney’s parents didn’t like when they stayed out after dark. It was time for them to get going.

“Do you wanna play together tomorrow after school?” Rodney asked his new friend.

“Uh, well, I have something to do tomorrow.”

“How about the day after that?”

“I’m busy all week. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. We’ll make plans for when you aren’t busy.”

“Yeah, okay. Um, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay.”

That night, Rodney went to sleep with a smile on his face. For the first time since preschool, he had a friend! The smile stayed on his face all through the night and into the morning. It wasn’t until lunch at school the next day that he stopped smiling. He’d seen Danielle sitting with a group of girls, chatting and giggling. He decided he’d be polite like his mother had always insisted and go over to say hi.

“Hi.”

The girls at the table looked up at him like he had two heads. Danielle’s eyed widened.

“Uh, hi."

“Did you find out when you’re free to go to the park again?”

A few of the girls snickered.

Danielle looked unsure of how she should answer. After an uncomfortably long moment of awkward silence, she finally answered.

“Um, do I know you?"

The table and a few of the tables near them erupted into condescending giggles.

Rodney missed school every day for the rest of the week.  

 

_2005_

 

Rodney walked out of the infirmary, feeling dejected. Carson had several patients and no time to spend with Rodney. He hadn’t seemed to mad, but more… distant. Distracted. Rodney wasn’t very good at reading people, even he knew that, and so he had no way of telling if Carson was mad at him too. He honestly didn’t remember doing anything to Carson directly, but the way his day was going, he wouldn’t be surprised if the good doctor was as angry as the rest. 

See, Rodney McKay was good at many things. He was good at doing difficult calculations in his head, understanding and fixing alien technology, and he was especially good at coming up with solutions to complex and life threatening situations just in the nick of time. He was good at complaining, self-diagnosing himself with potentially fatal diseases based on only a couple of benign symptoms, and being so sharp with his sarcasm he occasionally made others cry. However, Rodney was not good at people. He had never been good with people. Ironically, it was all the things he was very good at doing that usually ruined any chances of him getting better at connecting with others. They called him “rude” and “obnoxious”, “self-centered” and “egotistical”. He preferred to think of himself as “socially awkward”, “genius”, and “being of such a high intellect that it’s hard to connect with him on an emotional level”. At least that was how his mom explained it. She said he made up for his flaws by acting as though he was better than everyone else, to get attention. He had argued that he acted as though he was better than everyone else because in many cases it was true. She had sighed.

Now as he stomped through the halls of Atlantis, his stomach rumbling with hunger, he cursed his genius and his ego and his social ineptitude. It was these things that lead to his most recent mistake, over compensating for those he had lost since coming to this godforsaken galaxy by trying too hard to make the Arcturus Project work.

Maybe it was best if he didn’t have any friends at all. At least then there would be no one to disappoint.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So while people who were technically responsible for the deaths of countless of innocents were walking around the city, being treated with well earned respect, Rodney was struggling to get people to say “hello” to him in a less than hostile way, despite never having caused anyone so much as a paper cut.

 

_2005_

 

Eating in the mess was a nightmare.

Okay, so it wasn’t really a nightmare, at least not by Rodney’s standards. A nightmare usually consisted of reliving Gaul shooting himself in the head, Grodin exploding, Collins dying. Occasionally, his own mind would take pity of him, and the dream would consist of that one time he was invited to a schoolmate’s end-of-the-school-year party in third grade and they served lemon drop cake. Rodney hadn’t eaten any, but in his dreams he did and suddenly couldn’t breathe. No one helped him, they were too busy laughing at them. It was dream he’d had often over the years, and it no longer bothered him. Not like the deaths of his friends and co-workers.

So no, eating in the mess wasn’t really up to par with a nightmare, but it wasn’t pleasant. He was afraid to sit with the team, afraid of John and Teyla’s awkward attempts at small talk. Teyla was angry with Ronon, John was angry with Rodney. Both Ronon and Rodney had no desire to eat with those who were angry with them. Rodney happily would have sat with Ronon, but he knew that he annoyed the big man, and decided it’d be best to keep one of his relationships in good spirits. So he sat alone.

That lasted a good three days until he decided he was tired of looking like a social outcast, and began to take his lunches to the labs or to his room. Radek was talking to him now, in short, precise sentences, and never anything but for professional purposes. Rodney was starting to get annoyed. It had been days since he blew up a solar system, and while people had stopped staring at him every time he entered a room, his so-called-friends were still being elusive. He had wallowed in self-pity for about twenty-four hours, believing he deserved it, until he had an epiphany in the shower one morning. Literally no one was mad at Carson, and he created the Hoffs virus, which was killing people. Not to mention the startling lack of animosity towards Colonel Sheppard for _waking up the Wraith._ The enemy for which pretty much everything they did on Atlantis was geared to try and find a way to stop. They killed thousands of people every week. Yet not once did Rodney ever hear Elizabeth give Sheppard or Carson a good hardy dressing-down in a public venue. No, they got those little doe eyes that somehow contained disapproval, disdain, sympathy, and pity in all one expression. The last time Rodney checked, he had killed no one. Nope, nada. Zilch. The solar system he blew up was completely uninhabited, which meant the only person who got hurt was Collins, and honestly, despite Rodney still feeling incredibly guilty for his death, it was not entirely the astrophysicist’s fault.

So while people who were technically responsible for the deaths of countless of innocents were walking around the city, being treated with well earned respect, Rodney was struggling to get people to say “hello” to him in a less than hostile way, despite never having caused anyone so much as a paper cut.  And to think Rodney had thought high school was rough.

Because it didn’t make much sense why everyone all of sudden hated him for not killing people, Rodney had been racking his brain for a better reason that didn’t have to do with them all being under some sort of alien mind control or going insane. The only conclusion he’d been able to come up with had been that he’d made a mistake. Dr. M. Rodney “Superman” McKay had made a mistake. And that scared them. Granted, it was a fairly large mistake, one that had disastrous consequences, and once again Rodney tried to find sympathy for them. They had had faith in him to always be right, to always have an answer, to do the impossible, and suddenly he was wrong. It was like a child going downstairs on Christmas eve to sneak a peek and accidently catching their parents putting out the gifts supposedly from Santa. It was with this thought that Rodney walked right into Sheppard. Literally.

“Hey! Watch it McKay.”

“Sorry, I was distracted by some, er, calculations I was doing. In my head.”

“Uh huh. Hey you get my email?”

“About our mission Friday? Yes.”

“Good. I was worried you deleted it.”

“Why would I have deleted it?”

“I dunno. Maybe you were careless. I didn’t get a reply like usual, so I didn’t know.”

“Well, I’ve been busy. Sorry.”

“It’s cool.”

Rodney went to walk away, when Sheppard called to him again. “Hey Rodney wait!”

“I have to get back to the lab Colonel. Who knows what havoc is going on in my absence?”

“Okay, but I wanted to ask you, why haven’t I seen you in the mess recently? Have you been eating?”

For a split second, Rodney felt hope. Sheppard cared about his well-being, that must mean that he wasn’t mad anymore.

“Because I wouldn’t want to deal with a hypoglycemic episode on this mission.”

No, of course he didn’t care. He just cared about the mission. Stupid Rodney.

“For your information Colonel, I have been eating, but since I’m very busy keeping this city afloat, I have been eating in the lab. Which reminds me, I have simulations to run. If you’d excuse me-”

“Of course, just hang on a sec. What are you doing Wednesday night, at say, six o’clock?”

“Probably keeping Atlantis from blowing up from one threat or another. Why?”

“Come to the mess. There’s a, uh, mandatory meeting.”

“Fine. I’ll tell the evil of the week to postpone for Thursday so I can make it.”

“Just come McKay.”

Rodney reluctantly agreed and turned to leave. He really didn’t feel like conversing with Sheppard. Clearly, he was just a scientist to him, and possibly to everyone in Atlantis. Just a scientist, and not Rodney. And if that’s how they felt, Rodney would just deal with it. It wasn’t like it was the first time it had happened.

 

_1985_

College kids were stupid. There wasn’t any other way to put it. They drank, they smoked, they did drugs. They did not do homework. Instead, they paid Rodney to do it.

“Hey Meredith,” Rodney’s roommate, Zack, leered. The kid was a pothead, who’d gotten a real kick out of seeing Rodney’s name on his transcript when he’d been snooping around Rodney’s desk for money to steal for drugs. “Watcha doin?”

“I’m dancing the nutcracker. What does it look like I’m doing?” Rodney said from his desk.

He was actually doing Henry Nicholson’s physics homework, a regular task for Rodney on Saturday nights. While Nicholson was out partying to his heart’s content, Rodney was earning him a realistic A-.

“Well, I’m heading out with Trixie and the bunch. Wanna come?"

Rodney looked up at Zack, perplexed. He always asked Rodney to hang out, and Rodney had once. He’d gone and even tried a joint, but it didn’t agree with him. So he decided never to go with Zack’s crowd again, because despite being the first genuinely nice people he’d met in a long time, he didn’t want to be around the drug.

“I actually have to finish this up, but uh thanks.” Rodney grimaced. He sounded so lame, this is why he gave up trying to be nice to people ages ago.

“Okay. See ya.” Zack didn’t seem phased as he left the room. Not three minutes after he left, there was a knock on the door. Rodney sighed and went to answer it.

“Hello? Can I help you?”

The two girls stood in the hall, looking unimpressed by the flannel pajama pants and stained t-shirt he was wearing. “We heard you do homework and stuff.”

“Yes. I am very well versed in ‘homework and stuff’. Presumably you have some you want me to do?"

The girls scowled. “Yeah. I have calculus and Melissa has a lab report.”

“And, out of curiosity, why can’t you do it?”

The girl, who must have been Melissa, looked at him as though he spontaneously grew a second head. “Because there’s a party going on down the street and you’re a nerd who can get us an A?”

Rodney sighed. “Fine. The calculus will be fifteen, and the lab report is twenty. I get paid upfront or good luck tomorrow trying to do it with a hangover.”

The girls gave him the money and the homework and pranced off down the hall. Rodney sighed, again. He did a lot of sighing lately. He hated doing other people’s homework. If they were too stupid then they should just drop the class, or drop out of college altogether. But the money was fantastic, and the demand was high. Plus, it was the only social interaction he could expect to get outside of Zack. Rodney glanced at the clock. It was eleven forty-five. He sat back down at the desk, and resigned himself to another two hours of work.

 

_2005_

 

If all Rodney counted for was his brain, then he would make them see that he was still useful. That meant no more fooling around with Ancient toys, no more superfluous research, no more taking for granted that his calculations were correct without double checking.  He couldn’t afford any more mistakes. Every time he screwed up, somehow or another someone died, and if he was running around spouting ideas that ended up killing people there was no way the rest of the expedition would respect him, let alone trust him. He was going to earn Sheppard’s trust back, so that even friendless and alone, he would still be regarded as a worthy teammate and member of Atlantis. He couldn’t take the cold, uncaringness of his colleagues. He needed to feel like he mattered for once. Even if they were just using him for his intelligence, he was sure it would feel better than being the social outcast he was so often reduced to.

So, he worked.

He spent the next few days working tirelessly, barely leaving the lab. He began skipping meals and slept less, taking breaks only when he felt absolutely necessary. He worked tirelessly at experiments and decoding information in the Ancient database, trying to find a way to protect the city from the Wraith. He was in the lab so often, Radek had started talking to him again, purely out of concern.

“Rodney, how long has it been since you slept?”

“I dunno. A while?”

“Rodney, you need to sleep. And eat.”

“I need to find a way to fight the Wraith.”

“And you can’t do that if you are so tired and hungry that you are fainting- or manly passing out.”

Rodney gritted his teeth. “Okay fine.” He gathered his belongings, and stomped out of the lab. But he knew he couldn’t sleep. He was so close; he could taste it. Just a little more research, a little more work, and he would be respected once more as the smartest man in two galaxies. Take that Carter.

He went back to his room and sat on the floor, opening his laptop and continuing his work. It wasn’t until he realized it was Wednesday that his head shot up, and looking at the clock with blurry eyes, cursed. It was ten past six. He was late for Sheppard’s meeting. Scrambling to his feet and ignoring the way he swayed slightly to the right before regaining his balance, he rushed out the door. The walk to the mess seemed longer than he remembered, and the corridor was narrower, as he kept bumping into the wall. By the time he reached the mess, he gave a sigh of relief. But the relief was short lived. As he opened the door into the dark mess, Rodney gazed around hesitantly. Was it not time for the meeting?

His question was answered when suddenly the lights flicked on and there was a deafening chorus of “Surprise!”. The walls were covered in streamers and balloons, and there was a pile of what looked to be presents wrapped in some sort of paper. Rodney stared at what seemed to be the entire expedition with wide eyes and an open jaw. What? This, whatever it was, did not compute. What was this supposed to be? Was he hallucinating? His eyes drifted to where the banner above Ronon’s head read “Happy Birthday” and blinked. A birthday party? Why? How? Carson knew his birthday no doubt, and Elizabeth and Sheppard probably had access to it, but, still, what? He must have been staring longer than what was appropriate, because Sheppard was moving slowly to him, like he was approaching a wounded animal. He glanced at everyone else, vaguely shocked to find confusion and worry on their faces. Teyla was standing next him. Wait, when did she get there?

“Doctor McKay, are you alright?” 

Was he? Rodney honestly didn’t know. For the first time in his entire existence, he had absolutely no idea what was going on in his head. It was like he was continuously refreshing the page even though it kept coming back as 404 error. He hadn’t slept in two days, hadn’t eaten since breakfast the day before, and now his co-workers were either playing the cruelest joke anyone had ever devised on him, or they had been taken over by some sort of mind controlling alien. He did not know how to handle it. The one thing he did know, was that when a server failed to respond, much like his brain was, then you shut it down.

 

There was vague shouting in the distance, somewhere very far away, and strong, soft hands gripping his arms. The voices sounded urgent, and one had a familiar Scottish brogue. But all Rodney could see was the ceiling, slowly fading into black. The darker his vision got, the farther away the voices got, and the harder it was to feel the hands, which had now begun to stroke his hair. As it all slipped away, he thought he heard his mother’s soft, “Oh Meredith.”

He saw her coming to him and just holding him, which was completely impossible, because the last he’d checked. She was in another galaxy. But it felt so nice, Rodney hadn’t the heart to open his eyes, like one of the voices was pleading at him to. He stubbornly kept them closed, and welcomed the blackness, and the warmth of his mother’s arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The “M” is for Michael.”
> 
> “Really?”
> 
> “Uh huh.”
> 
> “Thanks so much Dr. McKay!”

Chapter Three

 

2003

The ambience of the bar did nothing to help Rodney’s migraine. He had been looking forward to going home and sleeping for the next three days, but he’d been dragged to a party celebrating some scientist or another’s promotion from idiot to somewhat more important idiot. Or so he assumed that was what the party was about. No one had actually spoken to him, aside from some broken Russian, which he had learned over the months of being Siberia meant “move out of my way”. Up until that week, Rodney had been marginally excited about his time in Siberia coming to an end. Although he’d grown used to the freezing cold, terrible people, and hairy women, he couldn’t wait to be back in the comfort of his house. The only downside to that was he would no longer be able to hear the token joke that “the weather was the same temperature as McKay’s heart”. Oh wait, no, that would be a good thing as well. Unfortunately, he had received a memo from Dr. Elizabeth Weir requesting him to come work for the Stargate program in Antarctica. Of course he had readily accepted, thinking of all the important discoveries he’d make if they could figure out how to get to Atlantis, or even just weaponize the chair. It wasn’t until a few hours later that he realized Antarctica was colder than Siberia. Still, it was nice to be wanted by the respectable Dr. Weir herself, especially if it was due to a recommendation from, say, a certain short-haired blonde astrophysicist. A man could dream.

He was leaving for Canada Sunday, and he had quite a few loose ends to tie up before he left, but still, there he was in a local bar surrounded by people who cared as little about him as he did them. So he did what anyone would do if they were ridiculously overpaid and stuck in an uncomfortable situation at a bar. He drank.

Eventually, a young scientist, American, came up to him. The kid was in his early twenties, fresh out of college. He’d probably landed this job because of high grades, and lack of experience, condemning him to working under the dreaded Dr. McKay. Rodney gave him just as much of a hard time as he did anyone else, but secretly, he sorts of liked the kid. He had a thing for Star Trek jokes, liked Battlestar Galactica, and preferred Episodes III, IV, and V of Star Wars over the other three. He was a kid after Rodney’s own heart. But Rodney had an image to live up to, and he wasn’t about to start giving the kid a break on his mistakes just because they had similar interests. Like with most people, Rodney couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name correctly. He thought it might be Kevin, or Keith. Strangely enough, Keith seemed to be the only junior scientist that still showed him some respect.

“Uh, Dr. McKay. I wanted to ask you something before you left.”

“Well, if you must.”

“What does the “M” in your name stand for?”

Rodney grimaced. Every time he told someone his name they’d either mock it or insist on calling him that. Why would Keith want to know that?

“It’s private.”

“I know, but…”

Rodney sighed. “Why do you want to know?”

“Well, you see, um…”

“Spit it out Keith.”

“It’s Ken. The junior scientists and I have a bet going. On whether or not your first name is something embarrassing.”

“I see.”

“I’m sorry Dr. McKay.”

“No need to be sorry. Just a friendly game of pick on the astrophysicist. Nothing to dwell on.”

“Dr. McKay, I really am sorry. I joined the betting pool a while back when I first came to Siberia. I didn’t know you then. But now I do, and I feel terrible. You’re really smart and I can only hope to be as great a scientist as you one day, with as much experience and involvement in groundbreaking discoveries, and a respectable job and-” “Alright, Alright”, Rodney cut him off. “It’s okay. I get it.”

And he did get it. Keith, er, Ken, had just been trying to fit in with his new colleagues when he made the bet, he didn’t mean any real disrespect. Rodney sympathized with the kid. He’d been there several times over the years before a buildup of bitter resentment and arrogance had made it a pointless endeavor. So it was because of this thought he decided to finally give Ken a break. And the fact that he was most definitely inebriated.

“What was your bet?”

Ken looked unsure at him. “The others thought it was a girl’s name, so I said it was probably a guy name, but you may have thought it was too common or something. At the time, I’d heard stories about how you liked to be recognized for all of your work, even when it involved others. I figured Rodney was a little more memorable than something else. I know it sounds stupid.”

“No it isn’t stupid. It’s exactly what happened. The “M” is for Michael.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh.”

“Thanks so much Dr. McKay!” Ken ran off to collect his winnings. Rodney tipped back his drink, and got up to head for the door. He had last minute packing to do.

 

2005

“Daft idiot. You’d think you’d take better care of yourself, being so paranoid about your health, yet here you are on the brink of Hypoglycemic shock and exhausted. If you just ate and slept normal hours you wouldn’t have to worry so much and I wouldn’t have to spend my afternoon calming down distressed air force colonels and making sure you’re still breathing.  Not to mention Elizabeth calling every ten minutes with some sort of excuse to check on you, and of course the large group of people loitering in my infirmary and getting in the way of my nurses doing their jobs. And also-”

Rodney slowly opened his eyes, staring up at the white ceiling of the infirmary. He continued to listen to Carson’s complaints for a few more moments, surprised to find he had missed them over the last few days. It wasn’t until he realized how much his head hurt that he decided to speak up, cutting the good doctor’s ranting short.

“Carson.” Carson jumped a little, clearly not expecting the unconscious body on the bed to speak. He quickly regained his composure and looked down at his patient, in full on doctor mode.

“Rodney, how are you doing lad?”

“My head is killing me,” Rodney groaned.

“I’m sure. When was the last time you had a decent meal? Or slept?”

Rodney thought about it. “I don’t really remember. Last week?”

Carson’s eye twitched. “What were you thinking?”  
“I was working Carson. I just lost track of myself I guess.”

Carson didn’t look convinced. “Well, I have to go radio Elizabeth that you woke up. I’ll send the Colonel in. Maybe you’ll tell him the real reason you’ve done this to yourself.”

Carson left. After a few moments, Colonel Sheppard appeared.

“Hey buddy. How you feeling?”

Rodney stared at Sheppard for a long moment. Had he really thrown Rodney a party? For his birthday? Had he fallen into some sort of alternate universe? People didn’t just throw their coworkers huge surprise parties. That was usually reserved for family and… friends. But that didn’t make sense. Rodney wasn’t anyone’s friend. The people of Atlantis had made that abundantly clear over the last several days. Unless, Rodney had misread the situation. It may have been mentioned before, but Rodney was not good with people, particularly reading their emotions. Had he been overreacting this whole time? He very much doubted it, but he found himself desperately wishing he had been mistaken. Sitting in an infirmary bed, people who Rodney had always assumed couldn’t care less about his well-being waiting anxiously in the next room, his team leader sitting next to him and staring at him with a piercing, concerned gaze, Rodney had an epiphany. He was sick and tired of allowing people walking all over him. He was done with being friendless and alone. If these people were his friends, he wanted to know. No more guessing.

“You threw me a birthday party.”

Sheppard looked at him like the question was outlandish.

“Yeah, I did. And then you fainted.”

“I manly passed out. Why?”

“The doc says you haven’t been eating or sleeping and-”

“No, why did you throw me a party?”

Sheppard’s jaw shut with a click. “Because… it’s your birthday.”

Rodney took a deep breath. “Are we friends?”

A flash of hurt masked Sheppard’s face. “Of course Rodney. Why wouldn’t we be. Geez, McKay, you really know how to make a guy feel loved.”

“I didn’t mean it like- I mean I- ,” Rodney had to pause for a breath to keep from getting hysterical. That would not help right now. “I- I didn’t know. Like I had absolutely no clue. I mean I thought we were, I wanted to be, but I thought after Doranda- you were so angry- and Elizabeth and Radek- I was wrong. And I didn’t know if that shattered your little pedestal you all had placed me on or if you decided you just didn’t want to be friends with an arrogant jerk but suddenly no one would look at me let alone talk to me outside of professional discussions and you said you didn’t trust me and- and I just figured that I had misinterpreted friendliness for friendship, because it’s not like I have any experience with either to go on and I’m not very good at apologies or interpersonal connections so I tried to make up for it in my work but clearly that went so well I passed out at the first birthday party anyone’s ever thrown me since that time in third grade when all of my classmates couldn’t come because they were “sick” and-”

Rodney broke off as he glanced up at the horrified expression on Sheppard’s face. “Rodney. _Rodney_. I am so sorry.”

Rodney was confused. “What, why?”

Sheppard looked like he was on the brink of losing his mind. Very carefully, like he was talking to a spooked animal he began to speak. “Rodney, I have been a terrible friend. And a terrible teammate, and heck, a terrible person. I said that you needed to earn my trust back in anger; I never really stopped trusting you, and you sure never stopped being my friend. I figured that since you didn’t freak out all McKay style that you realized it had all blown over, like, the next day. It never occurred to me to make sure you knew I wasn’t upset anymore. I am such a jerk.”

“But you haven’t even spoke to me outside of missions and briefings all week.”

“You were so busy and I figured you needed time to go lick your wounds from being chewed out by Elizabeth, which I know she feels really guilty about by the way, and-”

“Wait, you all decided that even though you probably hurt my feelings and realized you handled the situation wrong, that I would just suddenly realize you didn’t mean to be so awful without, you know, telling me? You honestly thought I would just brush off the gossip and the evil glares and the comments and the very public and embarrassing dressing down because I understood that in the end of the day, you were all just letting off steam and you didn’t mean to be cruel?”

Sheppard had the decency to look sheepish. “Well you are the smartest man in two galaxies.”

Up until this moment, Rodney’s lack of friends throughout his life had been a minor inconvenience, a blessing at best, a frustration worthy of getting blackout drunk at worst. But now, this was a whole new level. He had made a misjudgment in thinking no one liked him for more than his brain. He figured he should’ve understood that no one had just kicked him to the curb, but they all could have shown some initiative and double checked he was okay, on the off chance that he really hadn’t understood. He didn’t know whether to be ecstatic that they thought their relationships with him were strong enough to overcome conflict without so much as a meaningful conversation, touched that Sheppard clearly felt awful about the whole misunderstanding, or livid that no one, such good friends they think they are, had bothered to make sure he was doing alright. Were they really friends? There was only one way Rodney knew for sure to test whether he could really consider anyone a friend.

“Meredith.”

“What? Who’s Meredith?”

“Me. Doctor M. Rodney McKay, the “M” stands for Meredith.”

“Uh… okay then. While that’s really interesting, I don’t see how that has anything to do with the topic at hand.”

“Any comments, questions, concerns? I promise, I don’t just tell anyone my first name, for obvious reasons.”

“Well… I guess I’ve always thought Meredith was a girl’s name, and so I can see why you would go by Rodney, but if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather talk about what’s been going on this last week.”

“So no laughing? No promises to excessively use it in public despite the fact that it embarrasses me? No city wide bets as to what it could be that you may or may not have won?”

“What? No, of course not. You didn’t pick it Rodney. Your parents did. And while I guess they had a good reason, you probably don’t agree since, like you said, it embarrasses you. I know I tease you and stuff, but I hope you don’t think me cruel enough to make fun of something you had no say in at all.”

In Rodney’s entire life, he’d never been given so much respect. No one had ever bothered to take the time to think about how Rodney felt having Meredith as his name.  
“Then I forgive you. For being a jerk. Which you were. But hey, I’m a jerk most of the time too so, I’m not really one to talk.”

The smile on John Sheppard’s face was the biggest, brightest smile Rodney had ever seen.

 

Over the next few weeks, Rodney was on the verge of tearing out his hair. And that was already receding, so he really couldn’t have that. People were just being so nice. Elizabeth had pretty much freaked out when he and John had told her (well, really John; Rodney had enough of mushy emotional talk for one lifetime) how he had been feeling in the days after Doranda. She had personally apologized for her public reprimand. And Teyla had been forcing him to have every meal with her, Ronan, and John, and even had Carson and Radek come along most days. Carson had yelled at him for not telling his friend how he was feeling sooner, then got all sad and dejected when he realized he hadn’t been there for Rodney as much as he could’ve been, then annoyed again when Rodney tried to piss him off just so he wouldn’t be sad anymore. Radek had pretty much behaved the way he always had before the whole ordeal, except one night when they were alone in the lab, he very quietly told Rodney he accepted his apology, as long as Rodney accepted his. They both did, and it was never spoken of again. John made sure the birthday party was rescheduled, and that everyone attended, with the exception of a few necessary personnel to watch the gateroom. Ronan, well, he was just Ronan. It was all so nice. Too nice. When finally, after weeks of everyone smiling and endless small talk to make him comfortable, and the polite “hellos” in the corridors, people began to complain about his overbearing presence in the labs and roll their eyes at his hypochondriac tendencies, Rodney rejoiced. Everything was back to normal. Except it wasn’t.

Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay had friends. Friends that loved and accepted him for the arrogant genius he was. Friends that supported him. And he couldn’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your support, kudos, and reviews! <3


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